Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
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Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.