When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.