The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I laughed at this way too hard.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me