It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Customize Your Wedding.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.