Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
For anyone who needs this today
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend