ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
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a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’m already scared
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.