The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.