I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%