I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
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[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
“I FIXED IT!”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Oh no 😂😂💔😭