Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
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My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Education is vital
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?