Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.