so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Sharon I have some bad news
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I know this now 😂
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.