The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.