Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.