[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
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4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
When your man makes a valid point
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
This rocks
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.