I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My life in a nutshell
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb