Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
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With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
it is time once again
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Ha.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf