If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Food gives you energy to nap more.