I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
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I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.