Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
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what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.