My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
You Might Also Like
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?