What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?