Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.