[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔