EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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me irl
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
This sounds bad:
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?