I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
The glockness monster
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Challenge accepted.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.