Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
can’t bark with your mouth full
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
A small tragedy.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?