Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”