If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit