{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
What number SPF blocks people?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“No way.” -Jose
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.