bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
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Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
meow
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Tough love is true love
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.