*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.