*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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ME: not today satan
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Anime is real
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge