To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
#Caturday
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?