Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
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As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?