Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
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Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My neck my back my allergy attack
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?