My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
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The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.