#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you