Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.