Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.