Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
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I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄