me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
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Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
How it started: How it’s going:
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo