Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.