Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Mmmm canned fish.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.