Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
You Might Also Like
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.