Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Bobby pin
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Science memes
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.