Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
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police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?