OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.