me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.