It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
You Might Also Like
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.